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Newcastle Benfield 2–3 Consett
West Allotment Celtic 4–0 Durham City
Whickham 2–0 Thornaby
Druid Park is the home of West Allotment Celtic. Druid Park is not in West Allotment. It’s right at the end of Newcastle Airport’s runaway. Every 10 minutes mostly Boeing and Airbus jets take off almost directly above the west end of the pitch. British Airways, Thomas Cook, FlyBe, Ryan Air, KLM, TUI, easyjet airlines and the like fly passengers to a myriad of destinations around the world. London, Corfu, Enfidha, Dubrovnik, Alicante, Aberdeen, Dublin, Paris, Dusseldorf, Cancun.
Holiday makers, people in business, men in logistics, stag parties, families, divorcees, flight risk drunks, taxi drivers, adulterers, students, retired chemists, teachers who cry themselves to sleep, conference attending conservators, personal care assistants, lecturers and Labour councillors are propelled into the sky at 200 miles per hour. The noise is nigh on deafening as the low frequencies push across the pitch. It disturbs the match not one bit. Spare a few balding heads of the 60 odd attendance who turn and look up to the sky.
Air miles checked and the dream of the getaway disturbed. Allotment are 1–0 up after 3 minutes. The pitch is astro turf, the guy selling the programmes and raffle tickets asks if we are neutral. The rain is pelting down and a window opens in a room of Premier Inn next door. The twitch of a net curtain and the first cry of — ‘Keep it simple!’ — goes out from Durham’s manager.
Druid Park is Celtic’s fourth ground in two decades. 10 miles away and a drive across North Tyneside the internal fires of West Allotment’s sealed up pits still burn. In West Allotment along from the Community Centre, formerly The Boys Club, you’ll find Morrisinghs Corner Shop, formerly Singhsburys until the cease and desist notice.
Like many of the teams, towns and villages of the two Northern League divisions West Allotment is a former pit village. Similarly, like many ertswhile colliery communities the traces, tracks and slag heaps of the pits have vanished. The reclaimed land now provides nature parks, strictly guided walking trails, brownfield new builds, enterprise zones and office units.
West Allotment lies in the shadow of the office buildings of the Cobalt Business Park. Cobalt is home to global companies such as; G4S, Orange, Santander and Proctor & Gamble. It’s the UK’s largest office park. It’s litter free avenues of black glass, clean brickwork and landscaped flora, cut to within an inch of its life, are patrolled by private security guards. The panopticon of CCTV and facial recongintion software keeps everyone safe. There’s more to Cobalt but it’s avenues and boulevards are firmly within the sphere of the Public Private Initiative.
Dividing Cobalt and the former miners cottages of West Allotment village is the Silverlink Biodiversity Park, a 39 acre green space giving ‘peace of country living with all the conveniences of a modern business hub’. In the centre of the park is a large pyramidical earth work made from reclaimed pit detritus. Stone Steps, Aztec like, lead up to the top where a 10ft metal sundial stands. Sun worshipping pilgrims are invited to take in the stunning views of the North Tyneside landscape.
In a 1000 years artificially intelligent archeolgists will seek to decipher this post modern megalith and uncover it’s latent meaning. An ancient geodetic symbolism will be revealed along the route of the A19 and it’s intersection with the A1058 Coast Road. If you put your ear to the ground you can hear the chanting and ceremonial whistle blowing at Druid Park. West Allotment Celtic have beaten Durham City 4–0.
Whickham is full of Ranger Rovers. One is parked in the car park of the Wetherspoon’s pub on Front Street, an all black L405 fourth generation model with blacked out windows. The pub is called The Harry Clasper. Clasper was a famous Victorian rower and boat designer born in Dunston, a mile or so back east along the river. He died of a stroke in 1870 aged 58. His fame and celeb status afforded his body a riverside funereal pleasure cruise along the River Tyne from Ouseburn up to Whickham. Thousands came out to pay respect and watch the floating solemnities. We order food in the pub through an app at the table— scampi, chips and peas. Like all the establishments in the Wetherspoon franchise it’s packed. It’s a Wednesday night.
Another dead Victorian commemorated in Whickham is Lang Jack. A semi-mythical folklore type character and darling of the local history group. Jack apparently stood 7ft tall in his socks and would chisel rocks with his own bare hands. An alcoholic builder and wife beater Jack’s likeness was made into stone on his death from consumption in 1860. His head and armless torso installed on top of an 18ft sandstone plinth and presented in front of his old self built (bare hands?) house. The statue was repeatedly vandalised in the early 20th Century. It then moved to Front Street in the centre of Whickam so the local elders could keep an eye on it. It currently stands next to the Village Dental Practice who offer you the chance to Create your own smile with up to 3 years 0% finance. A monochrome graphic of the bust of Lang Jack forms the central motif of the Whickham AFC badge and emblem.
The Whickham team are pumped up tonight and angry. The testosterone is palpable. It’s the first home game of the season. They are all screaming and shouting at each other. Tanned and tattooed arms flex and fists clench. From the whistle the Whickham manager and coaches are screaming in unision at the players. The motivation is a cacophony of stress and insecurity. It’s very funny. Thornaby are almost zen like by comparison. We move away from the dugouts. 173 people watch this very physical and belligerent game. We buy first and second half cups of tea from The Corner Flag cafe. Tracey, who serves us, manages it as a volunteer, it’s busy. She recently left the army after 24 years. She’s seen the world and enjoys volunteering. She’s not interested in football.
Whickham’s ground directly adjoins Whickham Cricket Club’s pitch with only rope separating them on the sloping south side. The football club want to build another stand but the space restricts. After the match we drive down through Swalwell to the Metro Centre and the 24 hour ASDA to pick up some dog food. Abide with Me is playing on Classic FM.
Newcastle Benfield a week earlier was pumped for different reasons. The shelters on the North side of the pitch double as a bench press and weight training area, utilised by Newcastle Benfield Gym/Fitness School of Excellence. The entrance to gym itself is also pitch side. The gym offers 41 classes, mobile apps for bookings, transformation classes with nutritional information, meal preps, outdoor facilities and more. HIIT, Boxfit, Metafit, Strength, Abs and Booty, everyday of the week, as well as over 60’s classes Tuesday and Thursday.
Benfield’s ground is in the east end of Newcastle. Walkergate. It’s close to the the East Coast Main Line up to Edinburgh and the Heaton Traction Maintenance Depot. The screech of train-track friction, metal on metal along the curve out of the Heaton Depot sounds out into the dusk above the match. I walk down Benfield Road to Walkergate metro station when it’s all over. Gravediggaz, Schooly D and Aphex Twin on the headphones. The air is cold and it feels like Summer is ending.
As I get the wreck off
I navigate a course like Czechov
Soft MCs you better step off
Will a villain ever learn
I’m killin like a mad germ
I burn MCs like a bad perm
Gravediggaz — Here Comes The Gravediggaz, 1994
